


Son of a What?

by dragon_with_a_teacup



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan, RIORDAN Rick - Works
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Spanish, Chierro, Curses, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Spanish terms, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-18 11:50:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18249254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragon_with_a_teacup/pseuds/dragon_with_a_teacup
Summary: Alex teaches Magnus how to curse in Spanish. It is either the worst or best thing to ever happen.





	Son of a What?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [elizabethelizabeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethelizabeth/gifts).



“Oh, shut up, you great buffoon!” Mallory snapped, throwing up her hands in exasperation.

“What? All I’m saying is—”

“Entirely wrong!”

“What? No, it isn’t!” Halfborn looked as if Mallory had just insulted his entire family and everything they stood for.

“Both of you _pendejos_ are wrong, actually,” Alex cut in. “He’s obviously Jon Snow.”

The table—excepting Magnus—burst out in an uproar that turned several heads at neighboring tables in the Feast Hall.

“Guys,” Magnus said, “is the Night King really that important?”

“Yes!” Everyone said in unison.

Magnus sighed. Ever since the Hotel had gotten access to streaming—thanks to Thor—the residents of floor nineteen had been obsessed. Magnus preferred _Stranger Things_ to _Game of Thrones_ , so didn’t have an emotional stakes in this particular conversation.

“Okay, guys, hang on,” he said. “The real debate is: Jonathan or Steve?”

Another chorus of shouts. Magnus caught Alex’s eye and saw her laughing. He nudged her. “What do you think?”

“Who cares about Nancy?” she said. “Both those boys are _idiotas_ anyway. I’m much more interested in shipping Eleven and Max. Or Mike and Will.”

“Ooh, I hadn’t thought of that.”

The rest of dinner was spent debating the merits of the various ships, which continued all the way out of the Feast Hall and into the elevator, then up to floor nineteen. Alex linked her arm with Magnus when they stepped out into the hallway and followed him into his room.

“What, you want to continue arguing with me about _Jessica Jones_?”

She smirked and shook her head. “Nah, but we should continue our marathon.”

“Good idea. How many episodes do we have left?”

“Like three, I think.”

“Cool, we’ll finish tonight!” Magnus moved away from Alex, heading for the microwave. _The Good Place_ required popcorn.

“Yeah, but that’s only the first season,” Alex reminded him. “We’ve got season two to catch up on next.”

“And then we wait for three to get uploaded.”

Alex laughed. “Listen to us, sounding like normal people.”

“I know, weird right?”

A few minutes later, armed with popcorn, they settled down together on the couch. “By the way,” Magnus asked. “What did you call Halfborn and Mallory earlier?”

“When?”

“At dinner. You called them… _pajaros_ or something.”

Alex rolled her eyes, though she was smiling. “I did not call them birds, you menace. I called them _pendejos_.”

“Which means…?”

She smirked, her dual-colored eyes sparkling with mischief. “Assholes. Or imbeciles. Either one, really. Both works. It’s an advantage of being bilingual: if you use your other language, no one will know if you’re insulting them or not.”

Magnus laughed. “Will you teach me?”

She raised her eyebrows. “Teach you Spanish?”

“Well, Spanish curse words, specifically.” He really wanted to be able to understand when Alex insulted people; having a sort-of secret code with Alex Fierro sounded like fun.

She grinned. “Really?”

“Yeah!”

Her eyes gleamed, and she reached for the remote. “Well, screw Netflix. Let’s do this.” 

* * *

_An hour later…_

“Shit, Magnus, are you _physically incapable_ of rolling your r’s?”

Magnus swallowed, visibly nervous. “Yes?”

Alex bit back a laugh. “You poor, sad thing.”

“It’s not my fault! I never had to figure out how because we don’t use it in English!”

“Okay,” Alex sighed. She’d torment him with that later. “Let’s just move on.”

Magnus rolled his shoulders, perhaps to prove he could at least roll something. “All right. I’m ready.”

“Okay. Here’s the next one: _hijo de puta_.”

Magnus frowned in concentration. Alex tried not to notice it looked rather cute. “ _Hijo_ means son, right? So… oh! Son of… a bitch?”

“Yep,” Alex nodded, “but you’re still forgetting to make the H silent.”

“Right,” Magnus groaned. “Sorry.”

“You’ll get there, my dude.”

She stretched. At the beginning of the lesson, they had started simply. Going over pronunciations and emphasis in Spanish. Then they moved on to some terms: _idiota_ , _pajero_ , _cabron_ , and of course _pinche_. All important staples.

“ _Hijo de puta_ ,” Magnus muttered, jotting it down. “Okay.”

Alex waited for him to finish practicing that. “Ready? This next one’s pretty useful. _Un putero_.”

Magnus frowned. “Uhh… _un_ means a right? But I don’t know—”

Alex decided to put him out of his misery. “It means a fuck ton of.”

“Ooh, nice! _Quiero un putero_ of falafel. You’re right, that is useful.”

Alex burst out laughing. “Okay, first of all, of course that’s the first sentence you’d come up with. Second, what are you saying for _un_?”

“What? _Un_? What’s wrong with that?”

Alex pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s not _un,_  like in untie. It rhymes with ‘loon’—you know, your spirit animal.”

“Oh come on,” Magnus protested, though he was grinning. “I never took Spanish! I took French for like a year, and that’s it.”

“Oh,” Alex mused, “well, that explains it. Everything you say has a slight accent. Must be the French.” She sighed and flopped back onto the sofa. “No wonder you sound awful.”

“What do you have against French? It’s the language of love.”

Alex just shook her head. “You’re hopeless. Now, do you want to hear more curses, or do we have to go back and remind you how to pronounce things _properly_?”

“No, I’m fine. I told you, I’ll practice.”

He looked so earnest and eager that Alex couldn’t help but give in. “All right, here’s one I particularly like: _pollas en vinagre_.”

Magnus’ eyes widened. “Uhh… something about chickens?”

Alex snickered. “Close. Well, no. I mean, yeah, _pollo_ is chicken. But this—and _pollas_ is with an A by the way—is dicks in vinegar. No clue where that phrase came from, but I love it.”

Magnus snorted. “Wow.”

Their eyes met, and they both grinned. Alex picked up the piece of paper. “Okay, Maggie, want me to quiz you?”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Magnus could list off the swears with very little prompting. His pronunciation was… well, good enough for a non-native speaker. Alex set down the paper and smiled. “I’ve taught you all I can, Padawan. Well, in terms of some of the best swears in only one evening. 

Magnus squeezed her hand. “Thanks. Now we can talk shit without others knowing what we’re saying.”

She eyed him. “Is this what you did to start learning sign language with Hearthstone?”

“Well, yeah. Curses are the first thing anyone should learn when learning a new language. Now I have really diverse insults!.”

Alex laughed. “Good point.” She glanced at the clock. “It’s late. I better go to bed.”

She stood, but paused before she left to kiss the top of Magnus’ head. “Goodnight, nerd.”

“Night,” he said, a little absentmindedly. He’d already turned his attention back to the paper and to the book of basic Spanish that had appeared on the table in front of the couch a while ago. Alex smiled down at him, then headed off to her room for the night.

* * *

When Alex found Magnus at the start of the practice battle, he gave her a cocky grin and a wave. “Hey, Fierro!”

“Sup?” She joined him. “Hey, Jack.”

“Hey! Ready to be viciously slaughtered by dragons?” Jack glowed bright green, which Alex wasn’t sure was a show of support and solidarity for her and her hair, or just a result of the weapon’s pre-battle nerves. 

“Always ready,” Alex replied. It was Thursday, unfortunately. The only way to cope with imminent murder by gargantuan reptile was sarcasm. She pulled out her garrote and, as the first roars of the lindworms reached their ears, she and Magnus raced in.

However, a few minutes later, things were going downhill. Alex had a gash on her arm, Magnus was limping, and even Jack had abandoned his playlist in favor of concentrating fully on the fight.

“Oh, come on, die!” Alex screamed from behind a tree. Magnus knelt next to her, both of them taking a breath before diving back in. The lindworm, a massive golden one, roared its displeasure a hundred feet away. A burst of flame lit up the trees nearest to the creature, and a few of the branches caught on fire.

“What a _puta madre_ ,” Magnus growled. “Come on, Alex, let’s go.”

Alex stood but blinked in confusion. “You know you said…” But Magnus had already started forward, Jack letting out a high-pitched noise he probably thought was an impressive battle cry.

Alex threw her hands up in exasperation, then followed. “Magnus, hang on! Be careful!”

Alex managed to launch herself into the air, thanks to einherjar dexterity, and land on the lindworm’s shoulders. This distracted the creature for long enough to allow Magnus to get in a few good blows and dive away. But the lindworm spotted him and shot another burst of fire after him.

“Oh, leave me alone, you _cabron sombrero_!”

Alex snorted. “Magnus, what—”

But underneath her, the lindworm lurched and sent Alex flying through the air. She cried out and landed hard on the uneven ground, wincing as she felt her ankle break. “Magnus!”

A hand wrapped around her arm and pulled her up. Alex turned to find T.J. standing there. “You okay, Alex?”

“Mostly,” she gasped. Together, they made it back to the trees. Alex could hear Halfborn and Mallory engaging the gold monster of death in combat to cover their retreat. About time they showed up. “Where have you three been?”

“We got sidetracked by that stupid green lindworm,” T.J. explained.

Alex rolled her eyes. “I hate that guy.”

“Alex!” Magnus dashed over, eyes wide and full of concern. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been worse.”

He grabbed her hand. “May I?”

She nodded. “Go for it, Magnum, but quick. Mallory and Halfborn can only hang in there so long on their own.”

“Roger that.” Magnus closed his eyes, and a warmth flooded through Alex. Within instants, the pain in her body vanished.

She straightened, met Magnus’ gaze, and beamed at him. “Let’s go take that bastard down.”

He nodded, a determined glint in his steely gray eyes. “That _hijo de madre_ won’t know what hit it.”

His hand was still wrapped around hers when he started running again. T.J. followed, and Alex heard him start to say, “Doesn’t _hijo_ mean…?”

“Uhh, don’t ask,” Alex called over her shoulder, trying not to laugh.

They rejoined their hallmates just in time: the furious lindworm was in the process of setting all the trees it could reach on fire. Its spiked tail flailed, smoke poured from its flared nostrils, and its scarlet eyes gleamed with what Alex took to be bloodlust.

The lindworm took a fierce swipe at them with its front leg, and Alex pulled T.J. out of the way just in time. Magnus managed to somersault out the way, as Jack launched straight into the air and dove back down, tip heading for the lindworm’s hide. He couldn’t puncture it, but not for lack of trying.

“Dammit!” Magnus cursed, watching his sword’s struggles. “Why won’t this _pollo de vinagre_ die already?” He glanced at Alex with raised eyebrows, as if hoping for praise.

But that was the last straw. Alex burst out laughing, doubling over. “Magnus,” she gasped. “In the words of my second language, _que chingados_?”

Alex had just enough time to register Magnus’ confused expression before it transformed into wide-eyed terror. “Alex, look out—!”

But Alex didn’t have time to do more than start to turn, laughter still on her lips, before the jaws of the lindworm closed around her and everything went painful and dark.

* * *

Alex’s eyes struggled to open. She groaned as she sat up, but the pain faded quickly, as it always did when she woke up from a Valhalla battle. In a few minutes, she would be back to her usual, undead state. The clock on the bedside table said it was nearly time for dinner. Excellent, because she was starving (getting murdered will do that to a person). So she rolled out of bed, pulled on a pair of shoes, and headed out into the hallway. 

Magnus stood there, leaning against the wall between his door and Alex’s. Typical; the son of Frey always healed so much faster than anyone else. When Alex spotted him, she tried to suppress a grin, remembering his behavior on the battlefield.

When Magnus saw her expression, his cheeks flamed red. “Hey, dork,” she said, unable to resist teasing him.

“Hey,” he said as she reached him.

She just shook her head in amusement as they began to walk side by side. In her mind, Magnus’ voice crying out “ _pajaros_!” as he lay dying played in a hilarious loop. (Hey, it probably happened.)

“Okay, what is so funny?” he asked. “This is about the curses, isn’t it?”

Alex snorted. “Oh, young grasshopper.” She linked her arm with his. “Let me explain…”

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for my lovely friend [elizabethelizabeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizabethelizabeth). So, if you liked this story, please go check out her writing and send her some love!
> 
> Also, while I am learning Spanish, I'm not fluent, so these curses are brought to you by the internet.
> 
> Alex’s Spanish:  
> Pedejos = imbeciles, assholes  
> Idiotas = idiots  
> Hijo de puta = son of a bitch  
> Cabron = bastard  
> Pajero = jerk  
> Pinche = fucking  
> Un putero = a fuck ton of  
> Pollas en vinagre = dicks in vinegar  
> Que chingados = what the fuck
> 
> Magnus’ “Spanish”:  
> Quiero un putero of falafel = I want a fuck ton of falafel  
> Puta madre = Bitch mother  
> Cabron sombrero = bastard hat  
> Hijo de madre = son of a mother  
> Pollos de vinagre = chickens in vinegar  
> Pajaros = birds
> 
> If I've made any glaring errors, please let me know!


End file.
